can you read my mind

dance with somebody

I wanna dance with somebody

with somebody who loves me

pre Summit

I’m writing because I’m nervous and worried and my heart is thumping away in my chest.

I hope by writing, the fear will ebb away with each tap on the keyboard. Catharsis.

Sometimes I feel so lost… I don’t really know what I want in life. Sometimes my inadequacies and personal failures threaten to overwhelm me and make me feel so small. Now is one such time.

I guess everyone has these moments. Right now, all I’m clinging on to is his love and the feel of his warmth and the comfort with knowing you are loved.

My biggest fear in life is to lose him. And I despise myself for it, knowing I am weak. He is my lifeline.

I’m all over the place now and I just can’t wait for all these to be over.

Meaningless

There are days when I feel empty/

Meaningless, why does life feel meaningless.

Do I love you, or do I love the familiarity and comfort of being near you

Are you my ticket to an escape

Pointless update

I’ve always felt like I am different, deep down inside.

But am I really?

After all, I want the same things as most other human beings - a job i like, happy family, do enjoyable things like travel, LOVE etc.

Maybe this is a thread I am hanging on to, to make myself believe I am special.

I think everyone’s greatest fear - including my own - is that of mediocrity.

Being a nobody. 

Is that why I cling on to this belief, never wavering (not one bit), that I am different. I am unique. I am special.

There was once (I can’t remember when… at work? daydreaming on a bus?) when I felt this sheer immensity of self. The urge to outrun my skin and burst out of this physical body was so overwhelming, I still remember it today.

I think that was when the concept of self became real to me. I am not just how I appear on the outside; there is something more to me than this.

No matter how bad the odds are, for better or for worse, I always hold on to this. As this is sometimes all I have left. 

That I am me. And you can’t touch this (cue MC Hammer) 

Limited

I get mad sometimes at my relatives.

I know it’s really childish of me. But I really think they are all so limited in their worldviews. So pragmatic, so Singaporean and so DULL.

Which is how my life is like now by the way.

Anyway… For me, I don’t think I can find meaning in life by studying hard finding a high paying job getting married have kids grandkids be rich travel lots buy whatever shit you want.

Money is nice, yes. But it doesn’t give you meaning in life. It doesn’t complete you as as a person.

Seriously… why is not having kids a big deal? Why am I considered childish because I don’t want children? Why does that make me self-centred?

Do they have children for a greater good? Or because they just want something of their own? For gods sake, the world is overpopulated enough as it is. They are not doing anyone any favours by having more kids.

Something about this just offends me. That they think I am silly and immature for wanting different in my life.

I know they probably see me as an unrealistic, useless girl who squandered her family’s dreams by not studying hard.

Sometimes I wonder. Do these people even care for you truly? Because I think if you love someone, you would want to know what’s in their hearts. That you want the person to find meaning in her life. That you give the person space to think what she really wants to do instead of being so quick to judge and scorn.

Makes me so mad.

You laugh at me for being different… can I laugh at you for being all the same?

Move me

I read a blog today that was simple in its language - but something about it just moved me in a way that I haven’t felt in a long time.

It’s such a strange feeling. When I used to compete in biathlons, I knew for a fact that it was not going to be a big part of my life. It was something I did for fun… I didn’t even like training. 

But still I kept up with it for a year.

Why?

I think it’s because the people there inspired me - with their discipline, their ability to laugh, the camaraderie - everything. Even though I didn’t really feel like a part of them, it was not their fault. I blame it on my awkward social skills and the strange fact that I enjoyed just spending time with them and watching them do their thing.

But anyway. What really struck me was that these people moved me. With every step that they pushed, with every grit of the teeth, with every last bead of sweat as they finished the race… these people really inspired me.

I always felt something within me change whenever I go for trainings and see them interact or when I read their blogs (secretly). These are an awesome bunch of people that sadly I will never get to know personally.

I saw my ex vice capt on the train today. And I turned away and pretended to do something else. Partly because of my awkwardness again, and the other part was because I was embarrassed.

Here she was looking busy- a lawyer rushing somewhere. Probably still racing and achieving something. And here I am. Growing fat, in a job that is neither here nor there, doing nothing much with my life.

I don’t really have any dreams about my life aside from superficial ones like wanting a dog and travelling the world. I feel very limited in a way. Other people are finding meaning in life by travelling to India to work as a doctor, or competing in triathlons, while I am still drifting about.

Unsure what I want to do, where I want to go, how I see myself in the future.

Like something in me went dead.

I have stopped reading for awhile… was getting bored, I’m not too sure why. I used to love reading. 

Now I spend my time thinking of places I want to travel to or watching tv. It’s dull. I have a dull life. I’m dull.

But there’s another part of me that awakens sometimes. And I think to myself, there must be more. There has to be something bigger, something more important than this to live for.

At times, something inside me yearns for something greater than this.

I haven’t written in a long while aside from work. I write terribly. I wish I had something interesting to talk about, or that I have wonderful vocab to put what I really feel into words. But everything about this feels awkward… 

bitter heart

These days I wake up panicking and perspiring. My heart pounds. The pain that I felt in my dreams slowly ebb into reality. They merge, till I cannot tell one from the other.

In my dreams I am always left behind. I am always distressed about it. But in my dreams, I am helpless. I just watch as life passes me by. But when I wake, I realise that it is not a dream.

Too late for regrets, but not too late to endure the pain of it. Too many what ifs, and they will not be enough. I am young, but soon I will be old.

I fear many things. Amongst them, being left behind. Loneliness is another. I fear that one day I will fall so far that I can never be found.

Everyday I awake to another disappointment. 

time is slowly ebbing away

and i feel like i’m wasting every moment of it.

all the things i promised myself, i failed to accomplish. i lost any motivation or determination to succeed and achieve my dreams. i forgot my dreams, in light of what happiness i have at the present. i forgot that sometimes, there are more important things than the little joy you have right now, which can evaporate without a trace.

it’s such an irony. more than 2 years of drifting, going nowhere. i am finally feeling discomfited at this. but maybe not enough to get out of this comfortable floating. i have not written in a long time. have not really swam in a long time. have not been alone, have not seeked God, have not thought in a long time.

i am nauseated with the person i’ve become. this is a bubble that is going to burst, and when it does, i may crash so hard that i may never recover. because happiness always comes with an invisible price tag. my self worth, my self pride, is almost gone now.

i need to pursue what really matters now.